[07 Dec 2005|11:17am] I've come to the conclusion that yes, maybe I am superficial when it comes to men. I always think I can do better. I guess it's because I had little or no self-esteem when I was younger and now, to compensate, I like my relationships to stay on a superficial level. I like to look around and flirt, and yes, sometimes dress a little slutty. Yes, I like the attention, the looks, and well... I never felt desired by anyone when I was in grade school; it was always the other girls, the ones who were "outgoing", who didn't have glasses; the happy, carefree ones that the boys went for. And now, now I realize I was always pretty, I just didn't have the confidence. I'm not bubbly or outgoing; I still use glasses but now I have contacts, which have been my salvation', because I could not stand those glasses, the fountain of my misery. post comment

[10 Oct 2005|11:08am] Sound. You are most connected to your sense of hearing. You pay attention to coincedences in life, which will come in handy in the future. You probably love listening to music on the radio, on your IPod, or on Launch... That's great! I like to do that too! All you want is a stable life... either you have moved around alot in your lifetime, or are just fed up with the way you life takes it's course (don't worry, most of us are like that too) You think before you speak most likely, which is a good quality to have. But you are not content with life, and have many things in mind that you would have liked to change. But, things will get better in the future, trust me. Anyway, feel free to rate or message if you can! ~Which of the 5 senses are you most connected to?~ (with... you guessed it! Anime pics.) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[06 Oct 2005|10:59am] Girl Name:Marquesa Demona Guy Name:Master Byron *Never forget the one's close to you* You stand out because of your firey independance. You won't let anyone drag you down or get in the way. Just remember that you can hurt people easier than you think. What Is Your Goth Name? brought to you by Quizilla your a dark magic user! you are pure evil, and hate all things except for darkness. you are very skeptical of people, and probably in the past you have been hurt. when you trust, you trust deeply and with all your heart. what would you be in a fantasy world? (amazing pics!) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[26 Sep 2005|12:57pm] You are Inuyasha! Sometimes hot-temepered and stubborn (well most of the time) you lack the sublteness that most people possess. You are a half demon, and sworn to protect humans. Hey, don't let anyone change you, you're fine the way you are! You're not in touch with your emotions, and sometimes can let things effect you too greatly, but keep up the good work, we're all rooting for you! Which Inuyasha Character are you most like? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[19 Sep 2005|11:34am] You are FATE! Moody and oftimes conflicted, you are trying to balance many kinds of ideas inside your head. Your moods have personalities of their own and that can get overwhelming for you, but luckily, you know how to keep everything in harmony. Meticulous and creative, you will often take up the detail-oriented work of a particular art. ELEMENT: Water which incarnation of immortality are you? (elements added) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[13 Sep 2005|01:32pm] Your first kiss will be like a fairy tale kiss. Isn't that lovely? You're a true dreamer and a romantic. So hopefully, someone will be able to make you happy someday. What will your first kiss look like? (beautiful pics) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[06 Sep 2005|10:26am] El miedo la congeló hasta los huesos y se sintió terriblemente sola y abandonada. Siempre imaginó que tan esperado momento ocurriría en la escuela desolada; Ella caminando sin rumbo, inmersa en amor, y él buscándola hasta encontrarla. Entonces se dan una mirada, de esas que lo dicen todo, y se besan lenta y apasionadamente, sucumbiendo al frenesí inmemorial que atormenta amantes de todas generaciones. Volvió a la realidad. Se vio a sí misma, rodeada de sus impertinentes compañeros, quienes alentaban el reto de besar al hombre que, al fin de cuentas, fue el único que la quiso de veras. Enmascarándose bajo una reacción de disgusto, cualquiera juraría que aquel hombre de ojos color mar no le inspiraba todo el amor y ternura del mundo, sino lo contrario, asco y reprensión. Lo que nadie sabía era que él poseía toda una reserva de paciencia y estaba dotado con el inverosímil don de clarividencia, el cual le permitía ver a las personas como eran realmente, sin barreras ni máscaras. Y la había visto a ella, brillando en un estado de máxima pureza, una niña moribunda de miedo y amor. Tanto estuvo hasta que aceptó. No podía mirarlo a los ojos, porque siempre tuvo la sensación de que su mundo estaba al alcance de una mirada, y tanta vulnerabilidad la atormentaba. El se limitó a enfrentarla, tan manso como un perro bajo la lluvia, dispuesto a todo sólo para que ella creyera en el prodigio del primer amor. La miró a sus ojos, y sintió que naufragaba junto a ella en un océano de amor e incertidumbre. Entonces fue ella quien se aferró a él y se entregó con un beso. Fue una revelación. Sentía ahogarse en el delirio cuando la agredió la noción del tiempo y despertó a la misma realidad de siempre, sólo que había comprendido que también el beso era una forma de rendición. Sintió el remordimiento que acompaña el miedo y la rabia de haberse expuesto a tanta humillación. Entonces lo empujó, y fingiendo una reacción de asco salió corriendo, escapando su miserable destino de infeliz. post comment

Keep Dreaming. [23 May 2005|11:44am] And I'm still waiting for that one perfect moment where he will come and whisk me away, into the night, under the unrelenting rain. post comment

[11 May 2005|09:18am] Your Rising Sign is Scorpio You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire! You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which. No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious. You've got some major mystery going on, so work it! Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with. While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love. What is Your Rising Sign? ( Lots of Analytical Babble ) post comment

[09 May 2005|01:20pm] You are the Spirit of Anger. You are every inch the bad girl. Something happened to make you so angry and you need to channel it out, if anyone gets in your way, they're in for a big shock. Friends are not essential for you, you don't care whether they're there or not. But if you do have friends they will be the most loyal for it takes a lot to become your friend. You attract people to you, so a partner is no trouble but if they can't handle you then they're out the window. Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[02 May 2005|10:19am] Your Seduction Style: The Charmer You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them! What Is Your Seduction Style? ( 55% normal Italian ) post comment

[29 Apr 2005|11:10am] You are dead inside and don't experience sadness that often Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[27 Apr 2005|02:44pm] [ mood | confused ] I realized...... I'm not in love. At least I don't think I am. Today I just looked at him and although we talked it was sterile and monotone and devoid of any passion whatsoever and in the end, I just felt a profound sadness. I feel the need to run, run fast and just break down crying, because I am honestly crushed and confused. Was it all an ilusion? A momentaneous spur of passion, crushed by fear and deception? I want to cry and yet I can't, the tears won't come out. I feel like I have nothing left to say to him, he seems so far away now, and too think there was a moment where I thought I had him... I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. It's not pain, it's not agony, it's not passion or jealousy... more like a profound sadness, an unexplainable sadness... not the heavy kind, just the "suspended animation" type. Yes, that's it: I feel like I am bound by transparent chains of sadness and ice. I realized I am longing not for a man but for myself, for loneliness cured with... I don't know; loneliness cured. I suppose I'm lonely. I suppose I'm cold and unattached; scared. Numb. I suppose it was my fault; mine, and no one elses. Maybe I scared him, and his attitude was just a defense mechanism; but maybe I am over-analytical and intensely critical and maybe he never gave it any thought whatsoever; he just roams around free and unnattached and I am cold and numb and he could never understand and I could never make him understand because even I don't understand and the confusion is intense the world still turns and I guess I just wanted someone to love me and intimate with but this seems near impossible as of now and I feel I'm breaking and I am terrified. Alone and cold and confused... and I can no longer feel the pain or the torture or the screams breaking every barrier inside my own putrid, decaying wounds. I guess it hurts because I hadn't realized how distant we've become. I wanted to feel the excitement of the beginning... the thrill of lust, I suppose, because it always ends up being strictly about either lust or curiosity, never about love. And I thought it would happen, too. It was always so different... and then it stopped. It ended, abruptly. I don't know what to say anymore. The words do not flow; the spontaneity gone. What happened? Was it my fault? I felt alone and cold and distant and for a brief second a pan of grave emotion choked me and I felt powerless and vulnerable and a tear surfaced but never quite made it; and he asked what was wrong and I could not find words and I was scared -no, panicked- and I wanted to speak but the words could not surface and come out and, even if they did, what would I say? Because I was numb and clueless and I don't know what the hell was I thinking and I struggled with the words; I made a super-human attempt at forimg a coherent sentence but for the first time I was petrified and numb and exasperated and confusing and helpless... lifeless. Then we stood up and walked out without saying a word and what we did talk was repeats and trivial and I get the feeling we're both avoiding something but I just thought about it right now. That makes sense; perhaps we're avoiding something. But whenever something makes sense it terrifies me because it shows that I am thinking too much about something but sometimes you just feel the need to think about something to the point of exhaustion and delirium and it's not healthy and/or the wisest rule in the book but sometimes it's the only way to cope and/or deal with a situation, although I'm not exactly sure what the situation is. I don't know if I'm in love with him or not. I don't know if I love him or not. I don't know if I feel anything at all because I am unbelievably confused and numb right now and it's not fair and nothing makes sense and I don't care, which is the worst part. I don't particularly care if he's slipping away (or maybe I'm the one slipping) because for the first time it feels right and... I don't know. I am ignorant as to what I think about everything. Whenever I'm alone at home I daydream about us; about what ifs; about the day he tells me he loves me; and yet when I see him here I am cold and unemotional. I'm insane and careless and I hate myself because of it; because I need something concrete; something real. Or maybe this is reality. Already I feel so old. Already I feel like I am withering. I need a radical change in my life. I need passion; I need something to whisk me away into total delirium. post comment

[25 Apr 2005|12:51pm] You are Marijuana (aka: weed, dope, skunk, chronic...). You are the most commonly used drug in the world. You are powerful, stubborn, moody, have a strong attitude. You are classified as class (A and B) illegal drugs. What kind of Drugs are you? and how that reflect your personality? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[25 Apr 2005|12:42pm] Looks like you're..50 Cent! You aren't scared of pain, solitary confinement, cops, and even Lil' Kim! Very brave and determined, everyone loves you! Which Rapper are you? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[13 Apr 2005|12:02pm] [ mood | lethargic ] Al primer amor se le quiere más, a los otros se les quiere mejor. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery I've come to the conclusion that I've never loved anyone. I've been intensely infatuated, or mildly in love or appreciative, but I've never loved anyone, as in "te amo". Even SG seems to be more like the vague memory of someone who was too far in a world of torment, despair and loneliness; an attempt at an excuse, and explanation, for my behavior and emotional instability at the time. He was simply the much-needed catalyst for a radical change in my life. Ura was a boy I only liked because he liked me; I was insecure and lonely and longed for someone to admire me, but nothing more. When Victor told me he loved me that fateful day back in 11th grade, it didn't mean anything and I never admitted it as a real confession. Robert, my first-ever crush, was infantile and the self-induced torment was more about hurt pride and frustration than about a broken heart. It's always been about loneliness and pride. It has never been about love. I have always taken these loveless relationships and tried to romanticize them to no end, in hopes of killing the pain; but it doesn't work that way. And the sad part is... I fear I am far too emotionally destroyed and numb to recognize true love. I'm tired of fighting, tired of dreaming, tired of hoping, only to be defeated mercilessly with despair and my own loneliness. I'm tired of arriving too late in everyone's lives; arriving when their hearts have nothing left to give, because they actually experienced the perils of love, not silly lust or simple needs of companionship. I don't know what to feel anymore. post comment

[05 Apr 2005|09:38pm] In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything because your eyes are covered up by tears! You are constantly hurt and depressed... No one seems to understand how you feel because everyone is scared to get close to you... You long to be able to reach out and tell someone everything, and all of your problems... But you have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to want to hear what you have to say. You've been hurt many times that you don't seem to have any tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an endless river flowing... You've started to hide and bottle up all or your problems and feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go away... You want company, but at the same time, you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your room where you can just be alone and try to throw away all of your aching pains. You're dark and mysterious and people like you for that reason. Even if you think you're all by yourself in the dark, someone is always there with you. Your special someone wants to admit and show their feelings towards you, but they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out more and enjoy life because, it is far too long to frown your way through :) What Lies Behind Your Eyes? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

This used to be my playground; [11 Mar 2005|09:25am] Don't look back Keep your head held high Don't ask them why Because life is short And before you know You're feeling old And your heart is breaking Don't hold on to the past Well that's too much to ask post comment

[28 Jan 2005|10:05pm] It is a talent of the weak to persuade themselves that they suffer for something when they suffer from something; that they are showing the way when they are running away; that they see the light when they feel the heat; that they are chosen when they are shunned. Eric Hoffer I've been waiting for so long I forgot why. I've forgotten how it all started. I've forgotten if there was any purpose. I've forgotten if there was anything at all. I don't know how it goes. I don't know anything. I'm not even sure if there ever was anything. Was it all... imagined? post comment

[24 Jan 2005|12:20am] My nails are now crimson red, which is something I had always longed for but never had the courage to do so. I'm feeling irresistibly bold and impulsive as of late.

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