Past Tense

soliloquio @ 2005-12-07T11:17:00

2005-12-07T15:42:28Z

I've come to the conclusion that yes, maybe I am superficial when it comes to men. I always think I can do better. I guess it's because I had little or no self-esteem when I was younger and now, to compensate, I like my relationships to stay on a superficial level. I like to look around and flirt, and yes, sometimes dress a little slutty. Yes, I like the attention, the looks, and well... I never felt desired by anyone when I was in grade school; it was always the other girls, the ones who were "outgoing", who didn't have glasses; the happy, carefree ones that the boys went for. And now, now I realize I was always pretty, I just didn't have the confidence. I'm not bubbly or outgoing; I still use glasses but now I have contacts, which have been my salvation', because I could not stand those glasses, the fountain of my misery.

soliloquio @ 2005-10-10T11:08:00

2005-10-10T15:05:43Z

Sound. You are most connected to your sense of
hearing. You pay attention to coincedences in
life, which will come in handy in the future.
You probably love listening to music on the
radio, on your IPod, or on Launch... That's
great! I like to do that too! All you want is a
stable life... either you have moved around
alot in your lifetime, or are just fed up with
the way you life takes it's course (don't
worry, most of us are like that too) You think
before you speak most likely, which is a good
quality to have. But you are not content with
life, and have many things in mind that you
would have liked to change. But, things will
get better in the future, trust me. Anyway,
feel free to rate or message if you can!

~Which of the 5 senses are you most connected to?~ (with... you guessed it! Anime pics.)
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-10-06T10:59:00

2005-10-06T14:57:42Z

Girl Name:Marquesa Demona

Guy Name:Master Byron

*Never forget
the one's close to you*

You stand out
because of your firey independance. You won't
let anyone drag you down or get in the way.
Just remember that you can hurt people easier
than you think.

What Is Your Goth Name?
brought to you by Quizilla

your a dark magic user! you are pure evil, and hate
all things except for darkness. you are very
skeptical of people, and probably in the past
you have been hurt. when you trust, you trust
deeply and with all your heart.

what would you be in a fantasy world? (amazing pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-09-26T12:57:00

2005-09-26T17:14:30Z

You are Inuyasha! Sometimes hot-temepered and
stubborn (well most of the time) you lack the
sublteness that most people possess. You are a
half demon, and sworn to protect humans. Hey,
don't let anyone change you, you're fine the
way you are! You're not in touch with your
emotions, and sometimes can let things effect
you too greatly, but keep up the good work,
we're all rooting for you!

Which Inuyasha Character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-09-19T11:34:00

2005-09-19T15:31:22Z

You are FATE! Moody and oftimes conflicted, you
are trying to balance many kinds of ideas
inside your head. Your moods have
personalities of their own and that can get
overwhelming for you, but luckily, you know how
to keep everything in harmony. Meticulous and
creative, you will often take up the
detail-oriented work of a particular art.
ELEMENT: Water

which incarnation of immortality are you? (elements added)
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-09-13T13:32:00

2005-09-13T17:31:49Z

Your first kiss will be like a fairy tale kiss.
Isn't that lovely? You're a true dreamer and a
romantic. So hopefully, someone will be able to
make you happy someday.

What will your first kiss look like? (beautiful pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-09-06T10:26:00

2005-09-06T14:27:47Z

El miedo la congeló hasta los huesos y se sintió terriblemente sola y abandonada. Siempre imaginó que tan esperado momento ocurriría en la escuela desolada; Ella caminando sin rumbo, inmersa en amor, y él buscándola hasta encontrarla. Entonces se dan una mirada, de esas que lo dicen todo, y se besan lenta y apasionadamente, sucumbiendo al frenesí inmemorial que atormenta amantes de todas generaciones.

Volvió a la realidad. Se vio a sí misma, rodeada de sus impertinentes compañeros, quienes alentaban el reto de besar al hombre que, al fin de cuentas, fue el único que la quiso de veras. Enmascarándose bajo una reacción de disgusto, cualquiera juraría que aquel hombre de ojos color mar no le inspiraba todo el amor y ternura del mundo, sino lo contrario, asco y reprensión. Lo que nadie sabía era que él poseía toda una reserva de paciencia y estaba dotado con el inverosímil don de clarividencia, el cual le permitía ver a las personas como eran realmente, sin barreras ni máscaras. Y la había visto a ella, brillando en un estado de máxima pureza, una niña moribunda de miedo y amor.

Tanto estuvo hasta que aceptó. No podía mirarlo a los ojos, porque siempre tuvo la sensación de que su mundo estaba al alcance de una mirada, y tanta vulnerabilidad la atormentaba. El se limitó a enfrentarla, tan manso como un perro bajo la lluvia, dispuesto a todo sólo para que ella creyera en el prodigio del primer amor. La miró a sus ojos, y sintió que naufragaba junto a ella en un océano de amor e incertidumbre. Entonces fue ella quien se aferró a él y se entregó con un beso.

Fue una revelación. Sentía ahogarse en el delirio cuando la agredió la noción del tiempo y despertó a la misma realidad de siempre, sólo que había comprendido que también el beso era una forma de rendición. Sintió el remordimiento que acompaña el miedo y la rabia de haberse expuesto a tanta humillación. Entonces lo empujó, y fingiendo una reacción de asco salió corriendo, escapando su miserable destino de infeliz.

Keep Dreaming.

2005-05-23T17:49:13Z

And I'm still waiting for that one perfect moment where he will come and whisk me away, into the night, under the unrelenting rain.

soliloquio @ 2005-05-11T09:18:00

2005-05-11T13:26:56Z

Your Rising Sign is Scorpio

You're so intense and passionate - you're on fire!

You want to be an angel or a devil... you can't decide which.

No wonder you seem moody and even a little dangerious.

You've got some major mystery going on, so work it!

Your personality is the strongest of all signs, making you hard to deal with.

While you're ruthless to your enemies, you're loyal to your one true love.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Taste in Music:

Punk: Highest Influence

90's Alternative: High Influence

Gangsta Rap: High Influence

80's Alternative: Medium Influence

90's Hip Hop: Medium Influence

Adult Alternative: Medium Influence

Alternative Rock: Medium Influence

Hip Hop: Medium Influence

Old School Hip Hop: Medium Influence

Ska: Medium Influence

80's Pop: Low Influence

80's R&B: Low Influence

80's Rock: Low Influence

90's Pop: Low Influence

90's Rock: Low Influence

Classic Rock: Low Influence

Hair Bands: Low Influence

R&B: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #3 Match: INTP

The Thinker

You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.

You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

Your #4 Match: ENTP

The Visionary

You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.
You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.
Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.
You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments.

You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #5 Match: INFJ

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's Your Personality Type?

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!

When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...

And when you're down, your whole world is crashing

Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

What Personality Disorder Are You?

soliloquio @ 2005-05-09T13:20:00

2005-05-09T17:23:52Z

You are the Spirit of Anger. You are every inch the
bad girl. Something happened to make you so
angry and you need to channel it out, if anyone
gets in your way, they're in for a big shock.
Friends are not essential for you, you don't
care whether they're there or not. But if you
do have friends they will be the most loyal for
it takes a lot to become your friend. You
attract people to you, so a partner is no
trouble but if they can't handle you then
they're out the window.

Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-05-02T10:19:00

2005-05-02T14:18:33Z

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

You Are 55% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

soliloquio @ 2005-04-29T11:10:00

2005-04-29T15:12:13Z

You are dead inside and don't experience sadness
that often

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-04-27T14:44:00

2005-04-27T19:08:01Z

I realized...... I'm not in love. At least I don't think I am. Today I just looked at him and although we talked it was sterile and monotone and devoid of any passion whatsoever and in the end, I just felt a profound sadness. I feel the need to run, run fast and just break down crying, because I am honestly crushed and confused. Was it all an ilusion? A momentaneous spur of passion, crushed by fear and deception? I want to cry and yet I can't, the tears won't come out. I feel like I have nothing left to say to him, he seems so far away now, and too think there was a moment where I thought I had him...

I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. It's not pain, it's not agony, it's not passion or jealousy... more like a profound sadness, an unexplainable sadness... not the heavy kind, just the "suspended animation" type. Yes, that's it: I feel like I am bound by transparent chains of sadness and ice. I realized I am longing not for a man but for myself, for loneliness cured with... I don't know; loneliness cured.

I suppose I'm lonely. I suppose I'm cold and unattached; scared. Numb. I suppose it was my fault; mine, and no one elses. Maybe I scared him, and his attitude was just a defense mechanism; but maybe I am over-analytical and intensely critical and maybe he never gave it any thought whatsoever; he just roams around free and unnattached and I am cold and numb and he could never understand and I could never make him understand because even I don't understand and the confusion is intense the world still turns and I guess I just wanted someone to love me and intimate with but this seems near impossible as of now and I feel I'm breaking and I am terrified.

Alone and cold and confused... and I can no longer feel the pain or the torture or the screams breaking every barrier inside my own putrid, decaying wounds.

I guess it hurts because I hadn't realized how distant we've become. I wanted to feel the excitement of the beginning... the thrill of lust, I suppose, because it always ends up being strictly about either lust or curiosity, never about love. And I thought it would happen, too. It was always so different... and then it stopped. It ended, abruptly. I don't know what to say anymore. The words do not flow; the spontaneity gone. What happened? Was it my fault?

I felt alone and cold and distant and for a brief second a pan of grave emotion choked me and I felt powerless and vulnerable and a tear surfaced but never quite made it; and he asked what was wrong and I could not find words and I was scared -no, panicked- and I wanted to speak but the words could not surface and come out and, even if they did, what would I say? Because I was numb and clueless and I don't know what the hell was I thinking and I struggled with the words; I made a super-human attempt at forimg a coherent sentence but for the first time I was petrified and numb and exasperated and confusing and helpless... lifeless. Then we stood up and walked out without saying a word and what we did talk was repeats and trivial and I get the feeling we're both avoiding something but I just thought about it right now.

That makes sense; perhaps we're avoiding something. But whenever something makes sense it terrifies me because it shows that I am thinking too much about something but sometimes you just feel the need to think about something to the point of exhaustion and delirium and it's not healthy and/or the wisest rule in the book but sometimes it's the only way to cope and/or deal with a situation, although I'm not exactly sure what the situation is.

I don't know if I'm in love with him or not. I don't know if I love him or not. I don't know if I feel anything at all because I am unbelievably confused and numb right now and it's not fair and nothing makes sense and I don't care, which is the worst part. I don't particularly care if he's slipping away (or maybe I'm the one slipping) because for the first time it feels right and... I don't know. I am ignorant as to what I think about everything.

Whenever I'm alone at home I daydream about us; about what ifs; about the day he tells me he loves me; and yet when I see him here I am cold and unemotional. I'm insane and careless and I hate myself because of it; because I need something concrete; something real.

Or maybe this is reality. Already I feel so old. Already I feel like I am withering. I need a radical change in my life. I need passion; I need something to whisk me away into total delirium.

soliloquio @ 2005-04-25T12:51:00

2005-04-25T16:04:01Z

You are Marijuana (aka: weed, dope, skunk,
chronic...). You are the most commonly used
drug in the world. You are powerful, stubborn,
moody, have a strong attitude. You are
classified as class (A and B) illegal drugs.

What kind of Drugs are you? and how that reflect your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-04-25T12:42:00

2005-04-25T15:54:41Z

Looks like you're..50 Cent! You aren't scared of
pain, solitary confinement, cops, and even Lil'
Kim! Very brave and determined, everyone loves
you!

Which Rapper are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

soliloquio @ 2005-04-13T12:02:00

2005-04-13T15:22:53Z

Al primer amor se le quiere más, a los otros se les quiere mejor.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I've come to the conclusion that I've never loved anyone. I've been intensely infatuated, or mildly in love or appreciative, but I've never loved anyone, as in "te amo". Even SG seems to be more like the vague memory of someone who was too far in a world of torment, despair and loneliness; an attempt at an excuse, and explanation, for my behavior and emotional instability at the time. He was simply the much-needed catalyst for a radical change in my life. Ura was a boy I only liked because he liked me; I was insecure and lonely and longed for someone to admire me, but nothing more. When Victor told me he loved me that fateful day back in 11th grade, it didn't mean anything and I never admitted it as a real confession. Robert, my first-ever crush, was infantile and the self-induced torment was more about hurt pride and frustration than about a broken heart.

It's always been about loneliness and pride. It has never been about love. I have always taken these loveless relationships and tried to romanticize them to no end, in hopes of killing the pain; but it doesn't work that way. And the sad part is... I fear I am far too emotionally destroyed and numb to recognize true love. I'm tired of fighting, tired of dreaming, tired of hoping, only to be defeated mercilessly with despair and my own loneliness. I'm tired of arriving too late in everyone's lives; arriving when their hearts have nothing left to give, because they actually experienced the perils of love, not silly lust or simple needs of companionship.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

soliloquio @ 2005-04-05T21:38:00

2005-04-06T00:18:37Z

In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

This used to be my playground;

2005-03-11T15:27:57Z

Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask

soliloquio @ 2005-01-28T22:05:00

2005-01-29T06:16:50Z

It is a talent of the weak to persuade themselves that they suffer for something when they suffer from something; that they are showing the way when they are running away; that they see the light when they feel the heat; that they are chosen when they are shunned.

Eric Hoffer

I've been waiting for so long I forgot why.

I've forgotten how it all started. I've forgotten if there was any purpose. I've forgotten if there was anything at all.

I don't know how it goes. I don't know anything.

I'm not even sure if there ever was anything. Was it all... imagined?

soliloquio @ 2005-01-24T00:20:00

2005-01-24T05:23:28Z

My nails are now crimson red, which is something I had always longed for but never had the courage to do so.

I'm feeling irresistibly bold and impulsive as of late.

soliloquio @ 2005-01-19T11:18:00

2005-01-19T16:18:53Z

You scored as Kyrgyzstan. No one knows who you are or where you come from. There’s a very real possibility you might be a communist, although it might also just be that you’re misunderstood. Congratulations, you win the wo\man of mystery prize.

</td>

United States

60%

Kyrgyzstan

60%

Canada

55%

France

45%

Great Britain

35%

What country are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

It's been awhile since I've been here... don't worry; the angst will start soon (I hope).

soliloquio @ 2004-12-27T23:32:00

2004-12-28T04:33:31Z

You are a dark girl. You have a really quiet and
really a i dont' care attitude. You like to be
alone and that is what you enjoy. You don't
like to be around others and you'd rather be
away from here. You have a get away from me
look and others find you bitchy and
self-rigious. You'd rather read than be at a
fair but that's ok because that's who you are.

Who are you inside????? (LOTS OF RESULTS)girls only
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Hidden Power Is Water

You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted
will get pissed off at those who bug you. You
do whatever you can in your powers to help
those of your allies and have a okay taste for
human kind, but you find them rather annoying
on occasions.

Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice
Blue,Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long
that goes to your waist.

Quote:If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled
far, I always hold a place for you
In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me
once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll
return and fill that space in your heart

What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by Quizilla

When i kill myself i'll do a...

Find
out your most ideal means of suicide by clicking here

The plan so far...

2004-12-21T06:31:53Z

I feel the extreme need to get drunk for some God forsaken reason. I haven't washed my hair in like, two weeks (waiting for my mother to dye it for me -- depending on her really sucks ass).

So I got into thinking about the start of next semester. Due to my damned impulsivity I have decided to punish myself and remain faithful to my avoidant nature. Here's the plan so far:

Arrive at 8AM. Go to the library since I have autoexiled from the CIT.

Go to class and follow my schedule faithfully.

Go to the library once again (on free time).

Rush out of campus and wait for my mother to pick me up.

And that's about it. The CIT will not be visited unless truly necessary or inevitable. The same goes for the cafeteria. The plan should be in full effect until I socialize enough in class to get a boyfriend. Then I can flaunt my relationship around and maybe whatever tension there is will subside, and we'll all be calm and cool and my act of stupidity will have been forgotten!

I love it when things go my way.

Of course now all I have to do is pray and hope for the best -- have the Big Man himself on my good side.

soliloquio @ 2004-12-17T17:55:00

2004-12-17T21:56:08Z

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I try.

2004-12-15T12:55:59Z

I know it's useless to run away, but I keep trying.